They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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