my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize