You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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