Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
