My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
