WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
