The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
