I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
