My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
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