I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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