Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
