Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
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