so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
