Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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