My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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