i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
