Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
