I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
