Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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