So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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