Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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