i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
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bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
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Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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