Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
