dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
