I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
