When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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