too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
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He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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