Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
