I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
