1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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