i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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