I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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