You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
