i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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