It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
