I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
