She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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