He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
