did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
