just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
