Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
