best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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