my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I want a musical about memes.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
