see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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