Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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