that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
