My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
