Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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