Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
