saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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