god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
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Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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