I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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