i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
